I don’t know how to be alone. 

Genuinely. I don’t think I’ve ever been alone. Sure, I‘ve had to sit alone at home on a Friday night with my parents and of course, I’ve been rejected by cute guys. And how could I forget the pandemic that isolated us from the world for months? So sure, I’ve gone through some hard times. But I’m surrounded by friends who have been with me since we lived in Edgren freshman year. On Tuesday nights I could go play intramural basketball, and on Saturday afternoons I could go to a football game. 

But what if I told you the American College Health Association’s National College Health Assessment in the fall of 2023 reported that 51.5% of college students scored positive for loneliness. Would you believe me? 

Would you believe this statistic while driving by Freshman hill during the first week of school as you see hundreds of students in light blue T-shirts with the word “Jubilee” in bold letters across their backs, walking around, smiling, laughing, singing? Would you believe this statistic while eating at the DC and seeing tables full of athletes, journalists, roommates and friend groups? Would you believe this statistic as you make your way around campus, passing students on scooters, couples on DTR walks, boys fishing in Lake Valentine and people worshiping the Lord on the dock?

Would you believe me if I told you I struggled with loneliness? 

The editor-in-chief of the Clarion, the junior communications major who speaks at least twice in every class. The girl who shows up to every sporting event on campus. The girl who sits in the balcony during Vespers and second row from the back during Chapel. The girl who serves in kids’ ministry at church on Wednesday nights and goes to Salt Company every Thursday. 

It’s easy to cover up because I would rather feel lonely, surrounded by people, than be by myself. 

Finally a junior, I moved into Turnwall 12 with high expectations. I have new roommates, Anna and Maren, and we live in North Village with our best friends. I have friends in Heritage who are only a scooter ride away – I can reach them in four minutes and thirty-three seconds. I’m a communications major, so do I really have that much homework? 

Junior year was going to be my year. But, just three weeks in, I’m realizing that it might not go the way I planned. My friends are football players and managers, basketball players, biokinetic majors, engineering majors, teachers and RAs. They have homework to do and practices to go to and shacks to attend.

And I’m just here. Sitting alone in my pink chair by our people-watching window. Writing a story about loneliness. 

I can’t be the only one who experiences this. 

It’s easy at Bethel to act like we don’t feel this way, right? I’ve been trained to create a life color-coded on Google Calendar. Stay busy enough to distract myself from how lonely I feel. Schedule a coffee date to “catch-up” and ask people how they are really doing. Post every minor event that happened on Instagram with “life lately” as the caption. But then cry to my mom at 10:39 pm on a Tuesday night confessing how hard it’s been in between sobs. 

Is there a solution to this problem? I’m not sure. But I don’t think ignoring it will make these feelings go away. 

Would you believe me if I told you I’m lonely?