The following is an opinion piece and does not necessarily reflect the views of The Clarion, its staff or the institution. If you would like to submit a response or an opinion piece of your own, please contact [email protected].

By Samuel Krueger

Dan Ritchie receives lifetime achievement award for maintaining impressive hairline.

Dr. Dan Ritchie received a lifetime achievement award last week because of his flawless hairline.

A spokesperson from the academy said,
“It doesn’t make sense that someone who can so frequently say ‘I remember this one time back in ’73’ is able to maintain such flowing locks. Needless to say, for someone who was born prior to the invention of non-stick pants.

Sodexo Bob: Every day is taqueria day!

In a recent statement, Sodexo Bob has declared that every day is now taqueria day.

The decision has been met with both great praise and bitter resentment among students.

Unphased, resident freshman Chadwick Witkowski remarked that “he didn’t know that the DC served anything other than taqueria”

Lab Rats successfully Unionize

After weeks of protest the Bethel University lab rats were able to obtain collective bargaining rights with the school administration.

President Barnes was quoted, saying, “While this makes doing experiments much more expensive, as the rats must now be compensated with salary and dental insurance, we can all rest well knowing that they are able to feed their little rat families.”

Report: parents wondering if you have boyfriend yet

Getsch hall evacuated by Department of Health and Human services

Getsch was completely evacuated last week as officials from the DHS deemed it to be “Sketch”.

For years the administration has turned a blind eye to all the sketchy things happening on the northside of freshman hill. But the state government finally moved in on a tip that Bodien and Edgren residents were subject to such sketchy neighbors.

Freshman RA Kerry Shi remarked that he ”didn’t think the license plate factory in the basement or the fight club that meets bi-weekly in the lobby was all that sketchy.”

The DHS disagreed.

Local squirrel totally knows you’re trying to pet it

The above is an onion piece, which means it’s absolutely not true, and probably doesn’t reflect the views of The Clarion, the institution or even the author. If you’d like to participate in or comment on the giggles and facetiousness, email [email protected]