Our Official Response to Bethel’s Budgetary Shortcomings

By Sam Krueger

The editorial board recommends that all unnecessary furniture be disassembled and used for kindling in the furnaces. Heating can be expensive in Minnesota.

In order to pay for the planned 70-foot bust of President Jay Barnes, we would also recommend that the campus be stripped of all salable granite in order to cut the deficit as much as possible.

In order to prevent any further layoffs, three professors will be assigned to each classroom to teach their respective classes simultaneously. This will allow students to graduate 3 times as fast, opening up new spaces for potential students.

This will also allow the administration to rent out two-thirds of all classroom space to another university, probably one that’s better with money.

Bethel should immediately embark on an aggressive public ad campaign and volunteer to host the 2022 winter Olympics.

All remaining liquid assets should be transferred into the student managed investment fund so nobody even considers purchasing goats to eat campus buck thorn.

All future financial statements should be forwarded to Wikileaks, so that faculty and staff can properly prepare for future budgetary turmoil.