The following is an opinion piece and does not necessarily reflect the views of The Clarion, its staff or the institution. If you would like to submit a response or an opinion piece of your own, please contact [email protected].

Humor, satire and sarcasm

By Samuel Krueger 

Benson Great Hall swallowed into hell amidst Snoop Dogg controversy

Several weeks ago Benson Great Hall was expected to host the Super Bowl Gospel Celebration.  After hearing that Snoop Dogg would headline the show, God decided to reopen the sinkhole outside the Great Hall and swallow it into the depths of hell.

“After hearing that Snoop Dogg would be allowed to perform at Bethel, I really had no choice,” said God, the Almighty Creator when interviewed about why he expelled Benson Great Hall into the fire of Hades.  “I mean, you can’t just invite someone like that into a chapel and not expect some sort of wrath. It’s really a shame, the pipe organ there was lovely.”

There were no casualties, but the celebration was delayed and was forced to move to less sacred ground on Augsburg University’s campus in Minneapolis.

Bethel’s only mad scientist really just an angry man

He’s not crazy in an insane sense. Dr. Moore really just is a mad political scientist. People keep staring at him through his window and he finds it irritating.

“It’s a shame, really, there is so much mad scientist material in my field of study, but Dr. Moore was already filling that position when I arrived” said Dr. Hyatt, Bethel’s resident geneticist.

During the bi-yearly mad scientist review, Dr. Hyatt was removed from consideration of the position after attempting to splice alligator DNA into a tarantula.

Bethel’s Mysterious “Tan Vigilante” saves 200 million lives

Late last week the mysterious figure known as the “Tan Vigilante” pulled up in front of Nelson hall in his signature White 2013 Ford Taurus and booted a van that probably contained, like, a six pack of beer, 1000 lbs of explosives, or something equally as devastating.

The owner of the booted vehicle was eventually apprehended and was forced to move her vehicle to the east lot.

Increase in US obesity rate purely side effect of increased college attendance

US obesity rates are up for the first time in several years following the revelation that the freshman fifteen has become the freshman fifty.

“This is probably due to the increased amount of adolescents moving onto college campuses. Stress eating is common among college newcomers and the stress of a midterm exam is being made more extreme with the seemingly imminent threat of nuclear annihilation by North Korea,” said local food expert, Sodexo Bob.

In response, elliptical machines will be replacing chairs in the dining center in the fall of 2018.

Dr. Ritchie emerges from 5 semester hiatus, sees shadow

Beloved professor Dan Ritchie, who has spent the last several semesters away from Bethel, has returned renewed and ready to continue teaching.

When released, Dr. Ritchie froze upon seeing his shadow, signifying 4 more months of school.

The ENS department has done significant work to rehabilitate professors returning from sabbatical, but that effort has been reconsidered after realizing that a professor simply seeing their shadow could mean extending the semester by weeks or even months.

The above is an onion piece, which means it’s absolutely not true, and probably doesn’t reflect the views of The Clarion, the institution or even the author. If you’d like to participate in or comment on the giggles and facetiousness, email [email protected]