By Sam Krueger

Bethel’s Chief Budgetary Officer Admits Plan is to Just Wait Until Jesus Comes Back

Gary Stevenson, Bethel’s long time financial strategist just recently returned from a 3 year vacation to the Cayman Islands. When questioned about the precarious financial situation Bethel is in, he looked surprised. Part of a church with an obscure eschatological interpretation of the Bible, Stevenson admitted that he just figured God would deal with it when he came back. In other news, he has organized a prayer vigil to pray for the financially devastated families and soon to be directionless faculty that he plans to lay off this year.

Bethel Remembers Squeakers

This last Monday a moment of silence was observed during chapel for the resident squirrel that was run over in front of Wessman Hall. Squeakers was a loving husband, friend, and father of 29. A memorial service will be held next Monday during regularly scheduled chapel time.

Sodexo Takes steps to Combat Climate Change

Increased hurricane intensity has led local celebrity and dining center manager Sodexo Bob to consider drastic measures to cut Bethel’s carbon footprint. One proposal would eliminate all trays, plates, and silverware from the DC. Going against years of precedent, students would be expected to eat with their hands.

Cash to Flex Exchange Rates Reach Record Highs

This week the US dollar reached its most disadvantageous rate in decades when compared to Sodexo’s Flex Dollar. With an exchange rate of nearly 3 to 1, It seems more logical that students start the new year with 300 dollars cash on hand than 100 dollars in flex. The news was met with claims from President Barnes that Sodexo was manipulating their currency.